please, be my strength

Our week began and looked something like this on Sunday:

Volunteering for Young Life by selling drinks at Governor's Ball on Randall's Island. We were right next to the main stage and got to hear Cage the Elephant (the only band I actually knew.) It was awesome people-watching time and I was blessed to make some YL connections in NYC! 

I love my roommates. We did some free photobooth-ing and this was one of the results. Did I mention that we got into this music festival for free when it is normally over a hundred dollars? Oh yes.

And then the next day (which began at 6:00 AM) looked something like this:

I do not have enough space or frankly, energy,  to describe to you the roller coaster that was the first week of program at Inwood. I have so many thoughts and so much to process that it might take me awhile to get it written down. But it has been complete reliance on the Lord for his strength, even when I don't realize I am. 

The first day was rough mainly because it was a monsoon all day long. The kids were going stir crazy and I was still drenched from my walk to and from the train in the rain. (Yes, I had an umbrella.)

He showed me his grace so much in Kenia and the other tutors. He even showed me grace in my kids, like Sebastian. Sebastian is such a little gem. I could talk about all of them for a long time, but Sebastian is God's way of encouraging Mary Frances and I throughout the day. He is so sweet and generally obedient, and most of all so encouraging. Common phrases this week include: 

"This is the BEST day ever!"

"Miss Bethany I love you!"

"You are the best teachers ever!"

"This is the best class ever!"

"This is the best sandwich ever!"

You get the idea.

 The Lord blessed our eyes with a beautiful sky mid-week as a revelation of his glory. Praise him!

FINALLY it was hot, sunny and we got to go to the park. And the sprinklers came on - let the fun commence.

Today we took a trip to Victorian Gardens in Central Park, which is a kiddie amusement park. My kids LOVED it and behaved pretty well today. Mary Frances and I had two extra people with us to watch over the 12 kinders that showed up, which was super helpful.

Patrick and Jose

Sebastian and Alan

Miss Nicole and Pre-K!

My little blessing, Sebastian

Aaron taking on the giant slide

The stunning Besines, Viviana and Caitlyn

Sleepy heads on the train ride back! Melt. my. heart. They are so beautiful and precious. 

The Lord is faithful and he is my strength. I have been doing devotionals every morning with the kids, and trying to put all that I have been learning about him in kid language is tough sometimes. But I am learning a lot through it. 

Well, it's bedtime for Miss Bethany, too.

May the grace and peace and strength that comes from the Father fill your hearts with joy.

the call that qualifies

It begins tomorrow.

"Therefore, I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God."
Romans 15:17

And we are so excited! 

I have been praying my heart out for peace and grace as Mary Frances and I have our first day with our kindergarten class tomorrow. It will be such a joy to meet all 17(?) of them and become their teachers for the summer.

lesson planning & laughter

I feel totally unprepared and inadequate, but I KNOW the Lord will use my weakness to reveal his glory to me and to the children.

A day in the life will look something like this:

Arrive at Inwood at 7:30 AM to have a morning prayer and meeting with all the tutors and staff.
8:00 the kids start arriving
8:30 is assembly time
And 9:15-11:45 is instructional time, which is when we get to go back to our classroom and use our fabulous lesson plans...which will most certainly change, I'm sure.
The afternoon includes park time and craft/arts time. Usually there is a volunteer group to do the craft time, but this week it will be us directing that process.
The day concludes with Praise Time and a closing assembly.
Our day ends at 5-5:30 PM.

That means my prayer this week is: "Lord, please be my strength."
And I know he is.

Since the Lord has called me to teach kindergarteners this summer, even though I don't feel like I have enough background, knowledge or preparation to do so, He will qualify me. There are countless examples in the Bible about the Lord raising up the most unlikely, unqualified people to do his work. I am so excited to love these kindergarteners even though I know there will be long days and weariness.

I am thankful the Spirit who enables my affections for Jesus and desire for the Lord and his word.

I am thankful for my roommates and teammates, Mary Frances and Martha, and Hannah who we got to meet last night.

I am thankful for a relaxing day at the beach before the craziness begins.

I am thankful for encouraging conversations from friends near and far.

I am thankful for the body of Christ and fellowship.

Now, we are off to volunteer for Young Life. Cheers!

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ fill all of you and overflow into others!

freedom

I am continuing to realize my inability to keep the Lord's righteous law. I used to feel really guilty about it, but now the beauty of grace overflows my soul! 
"...We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." Romans 5:2
I do not meet the requirements of the law, but Jesus did. 
I fail every day, but he never did.
The essence, the sweet aroma of the gospel is his power and glory being revealed in my weakness and inadequacy.
"For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness by faith that is from first to last, just as it is written: the righteous will live by faith. " Romans 1:17


I remember I used to be a little scared of Romans. I knew it was where people used verses to describe the gospel, but I never "got" it. When I read it, it seemed very depressing to me. I knew I didn't keep the law and wasn't righteous. I knew I had to have faith...but did I? 


Experiencing Runaway Syndrome made it seem like someone was screaming "Failure!" at me every time I came crawling back to the Lord, burdened by guilt and shame. I knew what I should be doing, and I wasn't doing it. But like a good father to a prodigal daughter, the Lord lavished unmerited love and bestowed the kindest of mercies on me. As I continued to run and return, run and return, he knew I was headed for destruction because I didn't understand the gospel. 


So wrapped up in a works-based, moralistic religion masquerading as Christianity, I felt constantly condemned and unworthy. The important part was keeping all the rules, or at least pretending to keep them. Beneath the guise of 'moral perfection' lay a self-seeking heart interested in self-fulfillment and improvement while living under the law - which leads to death. How thankful I am for grace and the freedom to admit my sinfulness. Freedom to mess up and still be loved.


Thank you, LORD for the gospel of grace! Paul writes the truth about the justice of God. He will give each man what he deserves. It is depressing to think that we deserve wrath and judgment, but the GOOD NEWS is that he no longer judges us as impure because the perfect blood of Jesus covers us.


The Lord is continuing to keep me on my toes and reminding me to rest in uncertainty. It is refreshing in a way, because I can relinquish the need to have control when I rest in his grace. 


I found out today that Mary Frances and I will have the kindergarten class at the Inwood site for the Summer Program! (At least that is what we know to be true today - you never know what will happen tomorrow at Exodus.) The whole idea of teaching kindergarteners already leaves me feeling totally inadequate and unprepared, but I am still excited. I am excited because I get to love and teach these kids, but also because I know the Lord is going to be glorified in my lack of ability. I think he does such great things through us when we realize that we are so needy and can't fall back on our own gifts or strengths. I'm looking forward to getting our classroom ready tomorrow and having a few more adventures before Summer Program begins early on Monday morning!


Spending time lesson planning and preparing for the summer at Inwood this week has been nothing less than delightful. The staff there is so much fun and really welcoming. While Mary and I will be teaching, Martha took on the role of being the assistant to the Inwood director, Kenia. The girls and I agree that it feels good to have a more defined role and purpose, and we are thankful to be able to contribute to what is happening at Inwood.


I am so thankful for the people the Lord put in my life, both near and far, for challenging me, loving me, encouraging me, sharpening me, praying for me and sharing their hearts with me. 

Exodus Intern Love

May the grace and peace of our heavenly Father overflow in your lives!

sanctified by the Spirit

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect..."
1 Corinthians 15:10

With our second week at Exodus in the bag, the girls and I had a chance to rest and reflect this weekend.

Monday and Tuesday mainly consisted of preparation for the banquet on Tuesday night. To celebrate the kids' achievements, we planned a special Hollywood-theme dinner and awards ceremony held at Redeemer West Side. It was a great encouragement for the kids who were invited and a fun night full of Malecon food (of course), Exodus families, and sweet fellowship.

Intern-paparazzi

Wednesday was, thankfully, a short day of data collecting. That night, we were able to attend CCF's small group! We discussed Sunday's message about the Holy Spirit more in depth. It was such a blessing to have a time of fellowship with the body of Christ during the week. Rich, the pastor, said how the Holy Spirit enables our affections toward Jesus. I happened to be reading 1 Corinthians 2 the next morning and was encouraged because it was about wisdom from the Spirit. The Holy Spirit reveals the "deep things" of God to us - things we could not understand or accept on our own. I am so thankful for the Lord's Spirit who dwells in us!

I got to accompany Amy, the high school director, on her end of the year trips with the high schoolers. On Thursday, we went to Chinatown/Little Italy and it was quite an experience. This is a picture of some of the boys being entertained by the live crabs snapping at their sunglasses and cell phones.

Needless to say, our loud group of Dominican teenage boys got a lot of stares. We stopped and got pizza and were grossed out by all the fish (dead and alive) in all the Chinatown markets. On Friday, we intended to go to Governor's Island, but upon finding out it was closed, we went on the Staten Island Ferry instead. Martha and Mary Frances came along this time as well. Our group all stood outside on the front of the boat, with the wind nearly knocking the wind. It was beautiful day! There isn't a whole lot to do in Staten Island unless you have transportation, so we ended up stopping to get some food and then headed back.

Richard - only the sweetest high schooler ever!

Afterwards, the girls and I continued our tradition of eating at really awesome place on Friday night. This time it was S'Mac, an extravagant macaroni and cheese place in the Village. It was delicious and Martha instantly fell in love, as macaroni and cheese is her favorite meal.

Saturday happened to be CCF's picnic, so the girls and I made some brownies and headed over to Riverbank State Park for the festivities. That night I was invited to worship music practice, so I hauled Martha's guitar to the boxing gym, only to find out that I was the only instrumentalist besides Ruben on the drums. Since I hadn't played in quite awhile and don't have the best guitar skills in the world, I was a little concerned as to how I was going to pull it off. But I prayed a lot about it that night and the Lord granted me his peace.

The next morning I headed back to church a few hours before the service. For those of you who don't play guitar, you should know that my fingertips felt like they were on fire since I have no callouses due to not having played much recently. At that point, I was also starting to feel extremely inadequate. But I believe that God can do miracles and I believed that he could make my playing sound beautiful if it came down to it. However, he had other plans.

A church group from Pensacola, Florida was visiting and helped set up the building for the service. About a half an hour before we were supposed to start, the pastor and two of his boys joined our little worship team of three singers and a drummer and we had a full band! The Lord blessed my small act of handing over what control I thought I had to him and provided some talented musicians. I also managed to convince a guy from CCF to play guitar for the first two songs, so I only had to play on the last song. It was also my first time ever playing an electric guitar, which was a lot of fun.

That was just one small way the Lord very clearly illustrated how I need to continually rest in him and trust him to use my weaknesses to reveal his strength and power.  

Praise be to the Lord who is our righteous, our holiness and our redemption.

Grace be with you all!

weary.

I am weary. 
And so I rest in strength that is not my own. [Colossians 1:11-12]

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 

We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face 

to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. 

But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. 

It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away.

Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts.

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, 

are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, 

which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.

Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception,

nor do we distort the word of God. 

On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves 

to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. 

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 

The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, 

so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 

So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

2 Corinthians 3:12-4:12

Week One: Complete.

It has been a long week of shattered expectations.

It is good, because the Lord is reminding me to hold things loosely. But it is also hard, because I have been realizing how many presumptions I had hidden under all the layers of excitement and anticipation.

I love New York City. I love the people of the Heights and I am learning so much about Dominican culture.

The Lord is also using this experience to challenge me and stretch me. It's a good reminder that it isn't me at all, but rather him at work through me. Realizing that truth makes it impossible for me to fall back on how good I am at such-and-such, or how my gifts and talents are so sufficient. 

No. 

I am completely and utterly inadequate.

I'm a new intern, I'm ignorant and I am just getting to know people. Some people can barely remember my name and oftentimes I'm at a complete loss of what I am supposed to be doing.

All of this makes me EXTRA thankful for grace. The Lord reveals his grace to me though the kindness of others and his compassion in the small things, like a beautiful sunset after a rough day.

The beginning of the week was composed mainly of observation and allowing time for us to get used to things at both Inwood and the Heights. 

I went running one morning and got to explore the park next to our apartment - it is such a blessing to have across the street! It is beautiful and, more importantly, green. 

Thursday morning the girls and I  started doing “team” prayer/devotional time in the morning and I promise it made all the difference. It was our effort to re-focus our minds on Christ and I know I ended up abiding in Jesus that day much more than I had been.

Friday was a BUSY day as the girls and I rushed to finish reports for Matt, coerced children into taking a survey and tried to leave as soon as we could to make it to the Brooklyn Bridge in time for the sunset. So with some butter still in my hair from a baking creative class, we rushed out of Exodus and made it to the bridge and watched the sunset light up the city. We walked to Brooklyn and had some delicious pizza at Grimaldi's.

Saturday night we had a good-bye party for AmyLou, who has been an intern at Exodus for 5 months. She is going back home to Canada in two days and we will miss her a lot. The Lord really used her to reflect his humility, wisdom and joy. She has a beautiful heart and story - I will really miss her kindness and joy. Cramming 20 people into a small apartment, we enjoyed a sweet time of fellowship and delicious food with new friends.

We have also been blessed to attend Christ Crucified Fellowship for the last two Sundays. It is a small church plant that meets in a boxing gym. There aren't tons of people, but the community is so Christ-centered and welcoming. 

Tomorrow begins a new week at Exodus - who knows what will happen!

I need the gospel so much every single day. 

THANK YOU, Lord, for revealing bits of your love and wisdom through the people I encounter. 

THANK YOU for different perspectives.

THANK YOU for good conversation and hearing someone else's story.

THANK YOU, for allowing me to share the work you've done in my life with others.

THANK YOU for the love and support from my friends and family far away.

THANK YOU for your sweet and sharpening word.

Amen.

May the grace and peace of our Savior, Jesus Christ, be with you always.

darkness and light

In a late night attempt to saturate my soul with Jesus the other day, I read John 3:16-21 to remind myself of the gospel - but I also found something else. Even in my sleepiness, the Lord opened my eyes and revealed the gospel to me in another amazing way. This time, it was the metaphor of darkness and light.

"This is the verdict: 

Light has come into the world, 

but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 

Everyone who does evil hates the light, 

and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, 

so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done

has been done in the sight of God."

This theme is one that has long been on my heart. I have strived for many years to live my life as "an open book" or for the sake of this metaphor, "in the light." My own attempts failed miserably and entangled me in a web of secrets and deceit. I was so downtrodden and filled with shame because I knew I was living a double-life. Guilt plagued me as I continued to pretend I had it all together, while on the inside I was wasting away. How I longed to live in the light - how I longed to reveal my secrets. Why couldn't I be a child of the light? This has been my struggle until I was able to finally grasp the fullness of the gospel. The gospel freed me and the Lord showed me that I am still lovable despite my many, many failings. The next morning, I was reading Ephesians and came across this passage in chapter five:

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. 

Live as children of light 

(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 

and find out what pleases the Lord. 

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, 

but rather expose them. 

It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—

and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 

This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper, 

rise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you.”

The truth of the gospel brings freedom. For so long I wanted to live a perfect and moral life that was able to withstand even the harshest scrutiny...until I realized I couldn't. Guilt and shame accompanied that realization and weighed heavy on my heart. But Jesus, the good and merciful savior, did not leave me wallowing in guilt. He not only wiped my slate clean, but he wrote on it all the perfect things HE has done. My wrongs don't make the Lord love me less in the same way any decent things I do make him love me more. Gospel gospel gospel.


And now, you know what? I am free. Free to make mistakes and still be loved.
I still screw up. Every day. 
But I no longer live in the bondage of darkness and secrecy.
I think the darkness of secrets and isolation are some of Satan's strongest weapons against us.
But the light of the power of the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ is stronger.


May his grace saturate your souls.

humble me

"I call when my heart grows faint, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." 
Psalm 61:2


Humble me
My heart is an adventurer
but "prone to wander."
dancing to the heartbeat of the city.
let me not fall in love 
with the city,
but rather with its creator.
there are so many stories
but which words do I choose?
the power of words 
is frightening.
and electrifying.
Am I looking for Jesus here?
Am I learning 
to fix my eyes on him
every day?
Jesus, how I must become less
for you to become greater.
Humble me, Lord.
Let not my prideful, self-seeking heart
overshadow the joy
the thrill
the pure bliss
and freedom of your saving grace.
As I bask in your grace
open my mouth to speak the gospel
to others
and to myself.
Humble me

It is real, friends. I am sitting in my apartment on Riverside Drive and 181st looking out over the Hudson and the George Washington Bridge writing this post. After finishing up our time at Ridge Haven, my darling teammates, Mary Frances and Martha, and I landed at LaGuardia on Friday evening. Matt Mahoney, the executive director of Operation Exodus, picked us up in a beige minivan and drove expertly through the perilous streets of the city. Awhile into the drive, Matt proceeded to inform us that we would be stopping by Exodus first so we could drop off our stuff. Apparently, the woman who is subletting her apartment to us was feeling very uncomfortable and nervous about the prospect of three college girls living there for a month. She requested that we bring only the bare minimum of what we need at first to avoid the appearance that we will be living there. (I began to pick up on the idea that it may be slightly illegal to sublet, at least in this apartment building - where I happen to be sitting now.) It was already almost 8:00 pm. He told us to show up at Exodus around 9:30 tomorrow, then he handed us the keys, told us to tell the doorman we were headed to 6E and said, “See you tomorrow!” 

While I had no idea what to expect, it was immediately evident that this apartment was not what I had been expecting. Apparently, I had been harboring some "hidden" expectations all year about the whole experience. However, they were quickly being demolished one by one. The apartment was one room with a closet-sized kitchen and bathroom. While nervously and frantically explaining some things about her home to us, the woman stressed the importance of us being very quiet, well-behaved and kind to the neighbors. She went on for awhile about the cat we would be watching, which we promptly re-named Mr. Bojangles after her departure. In her haste to leave, she mentioned that Matt had told her we wouldn’t really need anything and would be fine on our own. The door slammed shut and I was rendered speechless as the girls and I stared at each other in sheer confusion. Here we were, dropped off in New York City and were already on our own within an hour of landing. We laughed a lot that night.  Since it was getting late, I suggested we go out and find somewhere to eat dinner before it got too dark as we were alone in an unfamiliar area.

The three of us ended up all sleeping in one queen bed in the hot room since we were so exhausted. The next morning, we made the short walk to Exodus and arrived a few minutes before 9:30. This was the second to last Saturday program of the year and many of the groups were taking trips or excursions. but a few were staying at Exodus. After the meeting, Matt told us we could go observe and I got to hang out with the 2nd and 3rd grade girls and with their mentor, Lisa.

I have never experienced little girls like these little girls. Wild and rambunctious, at times uncontrollable, but sweet as sugar - even with their sass. They were little energetic balls of joy and excitement. Lisa told me our activity for the day was making blueberry muffins. It was a baking experience I will not soon forget. Neither Lisa nor I knew where anything was in the Chef Margarita’s kitchen. It all worked out, though, and even without watching the timing, the blueberry muffins came out of the oven puffy and light brown. The kitchen was sparkling and dishes all cleaned by that time, thanks to the hard work of the girls. They all enjoyed picking out which muffins were theirs and I know I enjoyed tasting the fruit of our labor. It was exhausting and so hot in that kitchen, but it was a fun morning.

Matt took us and two other long-term interns to Malecon, a Dominican restaurant, for lunch. The food was delicious! Afterwards, one of the interns, Erin, took us around the city and we talked about living in the city and learned a lot about Exodus. She was such a huge blessing to us since we have been feeling completely ignorant and unsure of ourselves. 

Central Park!

It was a sweet feeling to be back in New York City. I love the energy, the pulse of the city and the eclectic mix of people. I  am still processing everything and trying to remember to fix my eyes on Jesus. The busyness sometimes makes me lose sight of what is most important - the gospel. Jesus. Grace. I so desperately need to abide in him every moment of every day.

St. Patrick's Cathedral

May each of you be filled with grace of our Lord Jesus Christ every day.


P.S. I love getting mail!
My address is:

Operation Exodus Inner City, Inc

Attn: Bethany Daniels

21 Wadsworth Ave

New York, NY 10033